Why you shouldn’t wait to talk finances in a relationship

There’s no getting away from money. It permeates everything. And it’s a huge cause of stress and anxiety for people – a recent survey found that almost 90% of Irish people are worried about their financial situation.

And while most of us worry about money at some stage in our lives, it can be a real pinch point for a couple. Even if your financial health is in good shape, tensions can pop up. And if there are major financial issues, they can make or break a relationship. In the US, financial problems are a leading cause of divorce, with about 38% of marriages ending because of them.

This is because finances are a fundamental part of any relationship. Once you get serious, maybe move in together, there are so many joint decisions you will make about money. Rent, bills and groceries are just the tip of the iceberg, and there will be many more to come if you buy a house together or have kids. Suddenly, you’re looking at a lifetime of financial decisions you have to make together.

So how do you navigate the sometimes-thorny issue of money? According to couples counsellor Shane Murphy, you should be having a frank conversation about finances early in the relationship.

“It’s amazing how far people can get into a relationship without having a discussion about how they manage money,” says Shane. “By not talking about it, it will inevitably show up later and cause problems. So it’s important to make space in your lives for this conversation. This can’t be an off-the-cuff chat, you need to make real, uninterrupted, time.”

Shane also stresses the importance of keeping these conversations on an even keel. “I don’t normally say this to couples, but you need to remove the emotion from this conversation,” he says. “Stick to a matter-of-fact tone, and make it clear right from the beginning that there will be no judgement, regardless of what’s disclosed.”

Account for different attitudes

The thing is, not everyone’s financial situation is straightforward. Ill-judged investments, large loans, mounting credit card debt or loan defaults, can all simmer in the background, causing shame or embarrassment. You or your partner may want to keep these private, but as you go deeper into a relationship, they will inevitably crop up somewhere.

And then there’s the relatively straightforward differences in people’s attitude to money. Some people may love spending money, while others fear they will never have enough. While spenders and savers sit on different ends of the financial scale, for some reason, these opposites tend to gravitate towards each other.

“Remember, when you get into a relationship, you are two different people with different ideals and upbringings. To make sure your two worlds work together, it’s important to be open and honest early on,” says Shane.

“The way your parents managed money can influence the way you manage your finances. You might have had accountants for parents, who accounted for every penny and were prudent savers; or perhaps your parents weren’t well off, and had nothing left over for savings; or maybe you came from a wealthy family who never thought about money at all. In any case, you will likely take what you’re familiar with into your relationship.”

Put it all on the table

Regardless of how compatible you are, you will have arguments about money. Many of these arguments may well end up being trivial issues like overspending on a night out, or forgetting to pay for your kids’ soccer lessons. But, sometimes, the issues will not be little, and will have significant consequences.

That’s why it’s important to ask the questions early on. From getting your debts and loans out in the open to discussing how are you going to manage your household expenses, what kind of lifestyle can you afford, and what’s your plan for the future.

“In your first conversation about money, lay it all out on the table,” says Shane. “Put ego aside and be honest. And then move on from it. You’re in it together, so make a plan, set goals, compromise where needed.”

No matter what your situation, the cornerstones of a healthy relationship are always the same: communication and honesty. You want to see if you’re financially compatible. Your chat may well suggest that you’re not, but that’s where compromise and planning can play their part. At least you know what you’re dealing with. With knowledge, comes power, as they say.

Speaking with a financial advisor early on in your relationship – at least before you make any major life decisions – is a good idea. Most of us aren’t money experts, and we may not know how best to manage our savings or debts, or our financial future. At the very least, a financial advisor can guide you in the right direction, and give you the information and vocabulary you might need to have ongoing productive conversations about money.

If having a difficult conversation strikes fear in you, check out our masterclass with communications expert Camilla Long and learn how to express yourself and be heard.