The Long View: You need someone who’ll care for you when you’re caring for others

Not to state the obvious, but as we get older, so too do our parents. The ageing of your folks doesn’t necessarily register until you start to notice little things like their hearing loss, they become a little unsteady on their feet, or maybe they have some minor (or major) health scares.

Myself and my husband are fortunate that we still have both sets of parents. They’re in their mid-seventies and are all relatively healthy. We’re lucky.

But recently, I’ve been having an increasing number of conversations with friends whose parents need a little more help, are experiencing ill health, have had serious health scares, or are coming to the end of their lives. For the friends I’ve spoken to, it’s a new stress that they say, by and large, came out of the blue, and is impacting their relationship.

It can be an incredibly stressful time, and also a very emotional one. While we’re all aware of the cycle of life, the reality of it is a different matter. The practical side – medical appointments and managing the day-to-day needs – is often easier to navigate than the emotional rollercoaster of looking after your ailing parents.

One friend, who is caring for her elderly mother, says the situation is causing a breakdown in her relationship. Her partner is resentful of the time she’s spending with her mother, and because her mother is staying in their home, he feels their space has been taken away too. Naturally, this is adding to what was already a stressful situation.

Another friend and her husband have had to change their work schedules so that she’s free to bring her elderly father to his regular medical appointments. An out-of-the-blue medical emergency means that yet another friend has had to upend her life as she helps her father recover from a serious surgery.

The conversations I’ve been having got me thinking about how helpful it is to have a supportive partner. As we go through life, we encounter so many challenges. Having someone to turn to when we’re having a emotionally difficult day can make all the difference. I say partner, but this someone can be, and often is, a close friend.

When you’re operating at a heightened level of stress, it’s often the simple things – like your partner making the dinner, running you a bath, or even just welcoming you home with a hug – that can help you to unwind.

Naturally, at this time of your life, there are bigger questions to answer and a new emotional landscape to navigate, but knowing your person is there for you, waiting with a freshly brewed cup of tea and a listening ear, can make a difference. Or maybe they know you’ll need space, so they’ve taken the kids out for a few hours to give you some time to yourself.

Either way, you have the time and environment you need to be able to decompress, scream, cry, or just be.

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