The Long View: We didn’t let parenthood wipe out our quality time as a couple

Myself and my husband have been together for 25 years – a quarter of a century! During that time, we had 20 years of just us. Twenty years of doing what we wanted, when we wanted to. Twenty years of lazing in bed on the weekends, enjoying leisurely cups of tea and sitting around chatting. Twenty years of impulsive nights out, last-minute weekends away, or jetting off on a city break on a whim.

Then, five years ago, we had our daughter. If you’ve read my column so far, you’ll know she came along quite unexpectedly after 15 years of trying to conceive. And, much as she has brought meaning to our lives in ways we couldn’t have even imagined, there’s no denying that having her so late in our relationship has upset the status quo a little. Spontaneous things we used to do aren’t so possible anymore. They’re more planned, less impulsive. And, truth be told, less likely to happen at all.

In the early days of becoming a trio, we were so excited, exhausted and bleary-eyed that our changed relationship didn’t even register. We had things to do, a human being to take care of. Then COVID hit, and our new tiny world became even smaller. But we were content in that little bubble, and the missed nights out and plans didn’t seem to matter.

Now though, five years on, our changed relationship is more obvious. We’re no longer Dee and Glen, the couple that our friends used to say they lived vicariously through. We’re mommy and daddy. Our conversations largely centre around play dates, birthday parties and after-school activities. Gone are the days when we’d spend hours dissecting our favourite episodes of the US Office, or chatting about new music we’d found.

Having a simple conversation when our daughter is in the room can be difficult. She’s distracting, and it’s hard to focus on anything else when she’s around. And the interruptions! As a five-year-old, she’s unconcerned that we’re trying to connect after a long day. She wants to show us her latest drawing of a unicorn – immediately.

Even as she has gotten older, the demands on our time have grown. And our connection, which was always so strong, has stretched. But we’ve made a plan. At the start of this year, we booked our babysitter for a night out every month. We don’t have any particular plans for those nights, it’s just about taking that time for us, whether that’s dinner, drinks or going to a gig. It’s about being a couple again. A couple who dress up, have nice chats, reminisce, laugh, dance.

By carving out that time we’re hoping to mark the start of the next phase in our relationship. One where we find the balance between being parents and being a couple. Hopefully, these nights out will lead to more nights out, and prompt a return to the deeper conversations and quality time we absolutely took for granted before our daughter came on the scene.