The Long View: Getting to know the me outside of ‘we’

I’ve been thinking about myself recently. I don’t want to get all Eat, Pray, Love about it, but I’m at a time in my life where I want to understand myself a bit more. Who am I? What do I want?

For 25 years I’ve been part of a couple. 21 years I’ve been a wife, five and a half years I’ve been a mom. And over those years I’ve lost sight of my own essence. When you’re in a long-term relationship it can sneak up on you, this erosion of yourself.

I’m not talking about this in a sinister way, where a partner can grind you down and you become a shadow of yourself. It’s more that your own interests can evolve to become something you both like to do. I now gravitate towards revenge thrillers when these were never my thing before. And I often say things like, “We love Mexican food”, or “Autumn is our favourite season”, like I’m part of some collective hive mind.

Then my life got turned upside down last year when I left a job I’d been in for almost 20 years, and it sparked this feeling of wanting to rediscover who I am and carve out little pieces of me that may have lost over the past couple of decades.

I’m not beating myself up about this. A lot happened over those years. Marriage, fertility treatments and the mind-bending trauma of that experience, becoming a parent, perimenopause – they all combined to warp my sense of who I am and what I want.

And so I delved into my memories to remember what I was like in my early twenties, before life happened. I hit the jackpot when I found a box of old photos and letters (remember them!), and some diaries. Catching glimpses of the old me (or, rather, the young me) has been so nice. It kickstarted a waterfall of feelings, but reading the thoughts and dreams written by my 20-year-old self gave me a wonderful insight into what was important to me, what made me tick and what I wanted to be.

It was interesting to see that, as a person, I haven’t changed quite as much as I thought. But what had changed was how small I’d made my life. Being part of a couple for so long made me more complacent, less likely to take risks or be spontaneous, less inclined to break out of that comforting comfort zone we’d built for ourselves. These are not terrible things, I know, and I definitely don’t want to burst out of that cosy cocoon of coupledom, but this little trip down memory lane lit a little fire under me.

Over the past few months, I’ve pushed myself to recapture my love of writing. In this column and other articles, short stories and essays, I’ve been writing about my life, and the things I’m interested in and passionate about. And also just writing for the sake of writing.

It’s invigorating. And it has had a knock-on effect on how I feel about myself. I inhabit my space that little bit more. I’m a wife and a mother, yes, but I’m also so many other things. I’m excited to reach out, try on those other hats and see how they fit.

In a busy world were the trials and tribulations of life can take their toll, positive intelligence can help you build a more fulfilling, happier life. Join our online workshop with Helen Quinn to find out more.