The Long View: Getting through the ups and downs takes teamwork

We relented last weekend and bought our daughter a trampoline. As we toiled over springs, nets and an impatient child for hours in the back garden, I realised what a great team we make.

Don’t get me wrong: the trampoline was a nightmare. The instructions were unhelpful, and the beautiful bank holiday weather with the bright, hot sun beating down on us ramped up the jeopardy.

Up until about 10 years ago I may have threatened to strangle my husband with the trampoline net, but 25 years into our relationship we’ve settled into a steady ease. We know each other’s cues – his language begins to get more choice as he gets frustrated, while I tend to start laughing. We also know each other’s strengths. In this case, his literal strength came in handy when we had to attach the trampoline springs and stretch the canvas to what seemed like an impossible degree. Whereas I’m good at keeping spirits up, encouraging us on – even in the face of assembling the net the wrong way up when we thought we were so close to finishing. (So close.)

The good humour that’s characteristic of our relationship helps too. Instead of absolutely losing it when we realised we’d put half the legs on the wrong way, we laughed at the ridiculous instructions that had given us no indication at all that there was indeed a right (or wrong) way.

By the time we’d finished assembling the trampoline we were physically broken, but we high-fived like a beach volleyball team. If this was a test of our relationship, we passed with flying colours.

As we approach our 21st wedding anniversary, we can see how our work over the years is paying off. We’ve arrived at a stage where we know what each other is thinking (most of the time). Knowing each other in this way means we don’t typically misinterpret each other, or take offence at outbursts that we now know have nothing to do with us.

The familiarity is comforting and reassuring. Before I even realise I’m stressed, my husband is massaging my tense shoulders. Before his anxiety gets the better of him, I’ve reassured him that his decision makes complete sense.

I’ve recently discovered Trying on Apple TV+, and this absolute gem of a heartwarming comedy sums up how I think of our relationship. The couple – Nikki and Jason – struggle to conceive and end up going down the adoption route. Throughout the challenges, they lean in to each other’s strengths. Their familiarity with each other, including their limitations, means they know the role each plays in their relationship.

It’s one thing being a team, but it’s another thing entirely to know how to be a good player on that team. It’s not about getting all the glory or being the star player; it’s about working together to pull that spring further than you think a spring should be pulled and clipping that trampoline net in place. And then looking at each other knowing how far you’ve come. 

Are you finding it hard to communicate with your partner, or others in your life? Check out our masterclass with communication expert Camilla Long and discover the tools, techniques and exercises that you can use to have better, more effective conversations.