The Accidental Columnist: It’s time we stopped with the penis-shaming

Recently, I spoke with men about how they see themselves in the body positivity movement. A point came up in those conversations that struck a chord with me: small dick jokes – they’re not very nice, are they?

If we take body positivity in its simplest form, we would say that all bodies are of equal value and no bodies are deserving of ridicule, regardless of shape or size. It seems contradictory then that we allow for penis-shaming in any context. 

In one of many Reddit threads on the topic, user paynusman asks the question: “Do you guys feel disappointed that the body positivity movement has failed to embrace men with small penises?” Many of the hundreds of replies, from penis-havers and non-penis-havers alike, attempt to provide context for this perceived hypocrisy.

The core argument is that small dick jokes are not actually about size as a marker of power or sexual prowess but, rather, they are reactive to our misogynistic culture. As Redditor stolenfires says, “A lot of mockery of ‘small penises’ is not actually mocking the penis itself; it’s mocking the man’s insecurity”

Certainly, this does seem to be a common way these ‘jokes’ are employed. You see a sportscar speeding by or overhear an extremely loud motorcycle and someone passes the comment, “Well, we know he’s compensating for something!” 

Penis jokes are such well-trod territory that pop culture is littered with these sneers and jeers. And they can often be more creative than cliché – as rapper CupcakKe says: “His dick smaller than my toes, I’d rather ride Squidward nose.”

On the face of it, I can get on board with the argument stolenfires makes. In the same way we expect our boyfriends to understand that they’re the exception when we say “men are awful”, perhaps we expect people with penises to understand, well, we don’t mean it like that. 

The failing I find with this argument, though, is that it doesn’t do enough to protect those caught in the crossfire. Many men worry about their penis size significantly and surveys have found that almost half of men wish their penises were larger. While this is not always clinically significant, penis anxiety is not rare and teasing about size is implicated in the development of penis-focused body dysmorphia.

Furthermore, it is not just misogynistic men – or men, period – that have penises. I agree with writer and comedian Robin Tran, who says shaming small penises is a passive cosign of the big penis pedestal; affirming that to be the best man then means to have the largest penis.

Where does that leave trans men? What does this signal to trans women who may have a penis? And if we allow for the shaming of the appearance of genitals, what does this say to our intersex friends?

While I agree that the body positivity movement – which was not developed by men but rather in response to them – should not need to centre penis shaming, I don’t believe this lack of centrality permits it either. As sex historian Kate Lister says, “Making fun of penis size has to be one of the last bastions of sexual humiliation that is still socially acceptable.”

Ultimately, as others have argued, I don’t believe you can be body positive and penis-shame. I don’t think we stay true to our ideals if we do. And I certainly don’t think we need to focus on the penises of ‘bad guys’ to critique them.

Penises, like all body parts, are not exclusive to a given person. And we’d do well to remember that any shame we attempt to impose on someone because of their penis does not exclusively affect that one person either.