Tainted Love: I was in a toxic relationship at home and at work

A recent work reunion made me reflect on the remarkable similarities between my relationship with my former boss and the one I came out of in my personal life in 2022 – not least because both lasted exactly 11 years.

One of my former colleagues used to tease me about being a “praise junkie”. The truth was I did crave the boss’s approval and it gave me a rush when I got it.

I never really knew where I stood with him though. He would randomly shower me with praise and even hug me, but then two weeks later might bawl me out for something minor in front of the whole office. On one rare occasion when I stood up to him, he gave me the silent treatment for a full six weeks.

It made me feel so stressed and on edge. I did everything I could to keep him happy after that. Having witnessed other people being fired when they rocked the boat, I was afraid of losing my job and feeling like a failure.

In my personal relationship, I was exactly the same: walking on eggshells and dealing with that push-pull dynamic. Going along with it because I didn’t want my ex to leave me – as if that would be the worst thing in the world.

This feeling was most pronounced during the pandemic when he and I were in a bubble. I equated his presence with survival and safety.

I have since discovered that both losing that job (the company went bust) and my ex leaving me were actually among the best things that have happened in my life. Traumatic and upsetting at the time, sure, but ultimately both endings have brought me to a better place now in terms of overall wellbeing and self-reliance.

What I perceived as conscientiousness in sticking with both the job and the personal relationship was likely an unhealthy codependency on my part. (Sometimes I feel I was actually suffering from Stockholm syndrome!)

Both experiences have taught me that I don’t have to stay in situations if they don’t feel right. That it’s OK to say no a lot more than I used to. And, most importantly, that I can thrive and overcome a lot more challenges in the big bad world than I used to think.

Key to this was becoming my own boss. There are downsides, of course. But the fact that I feel more in control of my own destiny matters most to me now.

I’m still a work in progress when it comes to personal relationships. I’ve got a lot better at setting boundaries and putting my needs first, for example. I try to check in with myself when social outings come up to make sure I feel comfortable and really want to go.

Whatever happens in my life now is about consciously making choices about what’s best for me rather than persevering until someone else drops a bombshell. I have made it a priority to try not to allow others dictate how I feel on a day-to-day basis, regardless of the situation.

If your confidence has been rocked by a bad relationship, check out our masterclass with life coach Mark Fennell for practical steps to rebuild your self-image.