Tainted Love: Beware of starting a relationship when you’re at your most vulnerable

One of the saddest things for me about my dad dying was the thought of him never getting to walk me up the aisle. When he passed away in 2010, I was 39 and single. I felt bad that he had worried what would become of me. Lying in his hospice bed, he’d even asked me was there an ex-boyfriend I would consider going back to.

For anyone who watches Married at First Sight Australia (MAFS), the bride in the experiment walking up the aisle is one of the most hyped moments in the process. In the current series, it’s also clear that starting a new relationship when you’re recently bereaved is not a great idea.

The so-called experts on that show talk a lot about vulnerability and its importance in building relationships. In my case, I was completely vulnerable to being targeted by someone who wasn’t going to be in the relationship “for the right reasons” as they say on MAFS.

Once my dad was gone, the notion of being ‘given away’ lost its appeal. I decided all I wanted was a solid relationship. I wasn’t bothered about marriage and had given up on the idea of having children.

In the months that followed, I felt gutted that I hadn’t managed to find a partner who lived up to the man my father was; that somehow I had let him down because of that. And then there was the gaping hole he left as a strong male presence in my life.

Enter my ex on his imaginary white horse. Suddenly, here was a man who wanted to show up for me. He was hardworking, charming, refined and good looking. The attention he paid me was relentless in the first three months. It became the perfect distraction from my loss and pain.

During that time, when I asked him what he wanted, he said, “A steady relationship.” We bonded on what had gone wrong for both of us in the past – or at least I thought we did. It felt like I had finally met the right man and I agreed with him when he said we were “the perfect match”.

The more he portrayed himself as so much better than previous boyfriends the more secure I became. Then out of the blue and with no explanation he vanished. Eventually I sent him a text trying to be breezy, but like Monica in Friends. His reply was: “I wanted to ring and explain everything.”

When he did resurface – months later – I had come up with so many scenarios and excuses for him in my head that I wasn’t really bothered about the real explanation. I gave it another chance, still believing we were right for each other and that life had just got in the way. And so the cycle continued until I finally woke up after 11 years.

My dad once said to me that maybe my vocation was to be single. I didn’t like it at the time, but now I think he could have been spot on as – for now anyway – I am far more content than I ever was in a relationship.

Are you stuck in a rut of low self-esteem following a bad relationship? Take steps to grow your confidence in a masterclass with life coach Mark Fennell.