Red flags: The warning signs that should not be ignored in a relationship

A red flag is a wake-up call that a lot of us only recognise as such in hindsight, after things have gone badly wrong in a relationship. When they arise, we can be so caught up in how happy we are at the time that we overlook them. We put up with bad behaviour because all the good stuff makes up for what seem like mere blips.

If these warning signs go unchecked, they can lead to a pattern of disrespect and the relationship becoming toxic, which ultimately has a detrimental effect on your self-esteem.

Pathological lying

A partner’s propensity to lie is a red flag that gradually creeps up on you. For example, it might start with you witnessing your significant other making something up to another person. They are so convincing and it seems to come easily to them. The yarns they spin to others are plausible and often elaborate. When they blatantly lie to your face about anything that you know to be otherwise, that is where the rot really starts to set in.

Being kept secret

Once you have been in an exclusive relationship for a few months, it is reasonable to expect that you will meet the person’s family, or at least their friends. If you feel your partner is continuously fobbing you off about this, they could be hiding something or not on the same page as you are in terms of the relationship. The same goes for objecting to having photographs of you as a couple or going social media official.

Excessive jealousy

A certain amount of jealousy is normal in a relationship; it shows someone cares about losing you to a rival and can actually bring a couple closer when there’s a shared motivation to stay connected and faithful. However, when your partner always has an issue with you spending time with other people, makes you feel bad about it or goes as far as to accuse you of cheating with no grounds, there’s a problem.

Lack of balance

A healthy relationship is based on mutual support and reciprocity. If you are the one providing most of the emotional or financial support, this won’t be sustainable. Giving too much is a common pitfall in relationships and there are people who will take advantage of this. They may do this because of genuine mental health issues or other problems, but it can also be because they are opportunists with no consideration for the impact on you.

Regular put-downs

Being helpful and giving advice is generally a positive, but it can take an unpleasant turn. When unsolicited acts of service or criticism become the norm, the message is: ‘I know better, I can do things better than you.’ The implication is you’re inadequate and can’t make decisions without your partner’s guidance. It can also be a sign of controlling behaviour, for example, if they buy you clothes they think you should wear.

Playing the victim

When a person blames other people or circumstances for anything and everything that goes wrong in their lives, it can mean trouble for a long-term relationship. Not taking ownership for mistakes and playing the ‘poor me’ card all the time indicates that a person is not self-aware or willing to grow and learn from difficult experiences.

Tips for addressing red flags

Broach your concerns from the perspective of how the behaviour makes you feel, using sentences starting with ‘I’ rather than ‘You’. This will help to avoid the discussion getting heated.

Try to be rational rather than emotional when communicating. If you are upset, wait until you’ve calmed down to talk. Actively listen to what your partner is saying and take it on board.

Get clear on your needs and wants in the relationship and frame your discussion around that.

Outline your boundaries and what is unacceptable to you. Follow through on consequences if your wishes aren’t respected.