Pre-teen parenting challenges: Dealing with phones, friends and family dynamics

Parenting is overwhelming. And it’s constantly changing. As soon as you think you’ve cracked the code to your child, they move onto the next stage and you have to start all over again. And modern parents have the added anxiety of facing brand-new challenges as the norms of childhood are changing in ways that seem to go against kids’ best interests.

Take the pressure of providing kids with smartphones, for example, which some parents describe as “unrelenting”. 

“Our son James* is 10 and has been asking us for a smartphone for months. The boys in his friend group all have phones and he is being left out as he is the only one of them without one. It’s difficult to keep saying no. He feels so left out and he’s really annoyed at us. We’ve told him that we won’t be getting a phone for him until he’s in secondary school and explained our reasons for this but that doesn’t really change things for him right now,” says Andrea*. 

“At first we thought he was exaggerating and playing the guilt card with us, but it really does seem like almost every kid in his class has a phone. There are just a couple of kids like our son who don’t. But we’ve come so far now that we have to stick to our guns on this, even if it’s making life difficult. And now we have our younger daughter coming up behind him, and already, at eight, there are kids in her class with smartphones. We thought we’d get another year or two before we’d have to deal with this but it feels like this problem is only going to get worse.”

Many parents have evidently been cowed by this pressure. Despite more than half of Irish parents saying they aren’t confident they can keep their kids safe online, a quarter of six-year-olds have their own smartphone and 45% of 10-year-olds are allowed to use their smartphone unsupervised in their room, according to research by Amárach for CyberSafeKids.

The demand for a smartphone is most likely to start peaking around the pre-teen age, but this demographic is widening, according to child psychotherapist Bethan O’Riordan, which means parents could be bumping into the issue earlier than expected. “The definition of tweens or pre-teens used to be 11 to 12-year-olds, but that has changed now to 10 to 12, and even nine to 12,” says Bethan, who hosts the online Calm Parenting Community. 

Bethan claims this premature pre-teen shift is a result of children “being exposed to more mature content at a younger age”, mainly through social media and platforms such as YouTube.

A growing movement across Ireland is trying to limit the impact of smartphones on primary school children. Schools and parent groups are joining forces to introduce voluntary bans on smartphones for children in that pre-teen age bracket. In Greystones and Delgany, Co Wicklow, for example, the community has come together and agreed not to give smartphones to kids in primary school. This group approach works to reduce the pressure on parents and, indeed, the peer pressure kids might be facing themselves. 

The social lives of pre-teens

If your pre-teen already has a smartphone and you’re concerned about the time they spend on it and the content they’re consuming, it’s time now to establish some guidelines, advises Bethan. “Open a non-judgemental conversation with your kids, and teach them what appropriate time and phone use looks like. Modelling this behaviour is the first step.”

It’s also important to remind kids what real fun looks like. “Make the real world more interesting for them than the online world. Help them to develop or build on interests that they enjoy,” says Bethan.

This is a key time for cultivating their interests, as attitudes may start to shift in the pre-teen age. In sport, for example, Bethan has observed the motivation to stick with it waning at this time. “Up until the age of 12 or 13 they really enjoy it but I’m seeing now that the drop off rate is faster than it ever was,” she says. “For boys, it’s important for them to care about something other than themselves at this age. They can become insular and more ‘solo’.”

On the flip side, girls are generally more about their friends and groups in the pre-teen stage. “As a parent of girls, it’s important to understand the importance of friends for your daughter. As they get to the pre-teen age, though, the groups start to self-prune ahead of the teenage years, and there will likely be more exclusion. Your child may experience this for the first time, and it can be devastating,” says Bethan.

This is where family plays such a key role for all children. It’s an important steadying force for pe-teens (and teens too). “It’s important to foster that sense of belonging in your child. They belong in the family group and that connection will always be there. Knowing that you are there and they can plug themselves back into the family group at any stage will give them confidence and build resilience. Helping them externally is about rearing them at home and making sure they are not too much out on their own, or too focused on being in a group.”

Growing socially and emotionally

Some children at this age, whether through social media or peer influence, will seem to grow up or develop faster than others. “For girls, once they get to late primary school, they appear grown up, mature and sensible, and parents might breathe a sigh of relief, but this is the lull before the storm,” Bethan warns. “It’s now that parents need to double down on a few things – family, communication, building a good relationship, values. Help them to stay in this place. With some girls, they can develop early and become grown up too quickly, and their brain isn’t ready for it.”

Boys, on the other hand, can see other boys developing earlier and will want to develop now too. For them it’s all about action and fast rewards, which is why they can become obsessed with gaming at this age. But you need to hold that space for boys, says Bethan. 

As well as re-affirming the connection with family, it’s good to help your pre-teen to find their “spark”. Foster interests, things they’re enthusiastic about, things that motivate them or give them joy. This could be anything – sport, art, science, baking. The goal is to encourage them to lean into these things. This will give them an avenue to either broaden their friend group and have different groups of friends, or give them something to focus on when times get difficult.

This is also a good time to reinforce social and emotional skills such as coping with disappointment and forgiveness. “These will become important skills for your child to understand,” says Bethan. 

Building a firm foundation

It’s a complicated time for children, but as parents we can help our kids to navigate it. As we all know, the teenage years are just around the corner, and things can get a little… well, crazy. the pre-teen stage is an opportunity to lay the groundwork for what’s to come. 

“Parents need to remember that the things their child has previously found tricky don’t go away in teen and tween-hood. In fact, they could well amplify, so get resourced now in how to help,” says Bethan. This could mean given them the support they need to make friends, manage anxieties, establish a healthy sleep routine, deal with school challenges, etc.

Some parents might feel like their child is starting to push away from them at this pre-teen stage, and as their friends or activities like gaming become more important to them this might well be the case. But you need to persevere here, and not just on their terms. Though you can take their lead in ways that will deepen your connection.

“Be on their terms for fun stuff – watch what they want to watch, do things together that you know they like to do – this shows them that you want to spend time with them,” says Bethan. “Play together and have fun. This will help you to get a better sense of who they are and develop a trusting relationship.”

Listening will be your greatest asset as a parent of a pre-teen, and it will become even more crucial as your child enters the teenage years. Talk less, listen more is a solid approach. Being a non-judgemental listener will increase the chances that your child will tell you things, so you’ll need to hold that line even if they tell you something shocking. “As they move into their teenage years, your kids may well do some crazy, awful things,” Bethan warns, “but try not to react negatively. Trust the child you’ve raised.” 

* Names have been changed

Communication is a cornerstone of parent-child relationships. Learn more about the techniques and exercises you can adopt to be a better listener in our communication masterclass.