Mean Girls 2.0: When problematic teenage friendship dynamics spill over into adulthood

I was left depleted, exhausted and anxious by my teen friendships, which were more like bitter, bullying, undermining rivalries – the Mean Girls brand of ‘frenemies’. Our teenage years are when we are most vulnerable to these kinds of friendships because we may not yet have a strong sense of self, nor do we necessarily know how to establish healthy boundaries. In those formative years we’re seeking to uncover our identity at the exact same time as desperately needing acceptance and validation, and it can be difficult to spot unhealthy dynamics as they develop. 

The older and wiser we become, the easier it is to identify toxic traits (such as manipulation, jealousy, disrespecting boundaries, negativity, belittling, judging etc) but for some, these harmful patterns can carry through to their adult relationships.

Public frenemies

When I began secondary school, a new and intense friendship completely unbalanced me. It became more like ownership, and as a 12-year-old I was utterly unprepared for the torrent of emotional abuse and manipulation that was unleashed upon me. 

We were “best friends”, I was told repeatedly. But it came with strings. There were rules I had never heard of before that I had to abide by without question. Best friends told each other everything. Best friends never lied. Best friends didn’t have other friends, really. Best friends had the same hobbies. 

Anything I liked but she didn’t, I was strongly pushed to drop. Any school subject I was better in prompted a barrage of interrogation, guilt-tripping and accusations of cheating. A lunch break spent not in her company could result in getting the silent treatment for the week, and others in her thrall would be told of my transgression and ice me out too. 

When I was on her good side, however, life was a breeze. We had a blast together going to discos and gossiping about boys. These times were terrific. The problem was that I never quite knew when the other shoe was going to drop and I was going to become public enemy No 1 again.

I went from a happy, well-adjusted, funny and outgoing kid to an anxious, withdrawn wreck over the course of two years. I was miserable, missing school, losing my appetite and terrified to put a foot wrong. Spending time with other friends without her was a betrayal that I would spend weeks making up for.

Mean Girls 2.0

This was emotional abuse, not that I recognised it at the time. It’s close to impossible to spot manipulation if you’ve never experienced it before; I barely knew what a boundary was, so how would I recognise when one was being stomped all over?

As a teenager, it can be all too easy to be pulled into these toxic relationships. In Mean Girls, the main character Cady sums up how the Regina George archetypes maintain their following: “She knew it was better to be in The Plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all.” It can be difficult to spot the signs of abuse in a friendship when all you want is to fit in. And even if you do, it can be nigh on impossible to disentangle yourself from the relationship by that point.

As adults, we tend to find it easier to sniff out narcissistic or harmful traits in people, but we can still be blindsided by manipulative and abusive behaviours. If a friend of yours is more likely to tear you down than build you up, they could be a frenemy in disguise. It’s Mean Girls 2.0, except now they have kids and mortgages. But it’s the same techniques, the same manipulation, and the same drain on your time and energy.

When you’re celebrating an achievement or a joyous occasion they may invent or magnify a misery of their own in order to swing some of the spotlight back onto themselves. They may be difficult to find in a real crisis or time of need, but always there to point out your failings when things don’t go your way. They may undermine you subtly or erode your confidence in ways that are underhanded and difficult to pinpoint. 

Stuck in a rut

Why do we maintain these fraught and emotionally exhausting ‘frenemy-ships’? Psychotherapist Ann Irwin suggests some potential reasons we might get stuck, and avoid acting on our feelings and disentangling ourselves from these friendships.

For starters, you typically have a shared history with this person, and the memory of the good times you once had plus the desire not to hurt an old friend’s feelings by distancing yourself could keep you tethered to them. 

Sometimes, finding yourself stuck in toxic relationships is about old trauma, where personal experiences have taught you to accept mistreatment. Trauma is not easy to unravel on your own and Ann recommends consulting a mental health expert if you want to shed some light on why you may not feel worthy of more positive relationships.

Another reason we may avoid ending a toxic friendship is the fear of creating an enemy. If this is how you are treated as a friend, it could be much worse to be on their wrong side. They may also know all the skeletons in your closet, exacerbating the fear that motivates you to stay in their favour. Caught between the fear of leaving and the toxicity of staying, we can often freeze.

And then there’s what Ann calls the “sunk-cost fallacy”. On an emotional level, we buy into the myth that friendships are for a lifetime, and we are loath to abandon something we’ve already put years into. 

Moving on

The fact is, it’s absolutely normal for some friendships to run their course over time. And there’s no sense hanging on to a toxic relationship where each encounter leaves you feeling worse off than you were before. 

If a friendship is negatively impacting you, know that you deserve a healthier dynamic. You don’t have to continually sacrifice yourself on the altar of ‘niceness’.

Think about how your friendship began; was the reason you became friends merely because you were put sitting side by side in junior infants? As we move through phases of our lives, we are all constantly growing and changing. It is healthy and expected that some friendships will not last the journey.

When it comes to frenemies who bring us down, chip away at our self-esteem and burn out our energy reserves, it’s worth asking: what value does this friendship bring to my life?

Learn more about dealing with difficult people from our podcast with conflict coach Davina Clements, or check out our masterclasses on confidence and communication to help you build better relationships.