Is your friend an energy vampire?

There is a spectrum on which friendships exist. Our dearest friends are like siblings. You can tell them anything, call them any time, rely on them to do anything for you and you’d do the same for them. They know the full extent of all the messiness of your life and you know theirs, and you love each other despite it all. Then you have more casual, perhaps newer friendships where you’re still trying to put on a bit of a front; you might tidy the house before they come over, or discuss hot new eateries or gigs you’ve been to when you meet up rather than how that nasty boil has been healing since the GP lanced it.

But somewhere in that mix we have friendships that aren’t quite right. They are uneven and uncomfortable. They make us feel conflicted and frustrated and, if we were being honest, we probably wouldn’t mind one bit if we never heard from that person again. But, for some reason, we allow the friendship to continue.

What We Do in the Shadows turned energy vampires into a running gag, but the term is also applicable when time spent with a friend can leave you feeling emotionally drained and worn out. Sometimes, these relationships can cross the border from merely tiring to damaging and abusive.

Signs of an energy vampire

Nagging negativity

We can’t all maintain Leslie Knope levels of upbeat positivity all the time, but if someone in your life is relentlessly negative no matter what, it can be depleting and discouraging. Constant negativity paired with passive-aggression, sniping, belittling and judging is a recipe for emotional exhaustion. A friend who tears you down by commenting negatively on your appearance, relationships, career, hobbies or other life choices is taking intentional shots at your self-esteem in order to make you feel inadequate. This behaviour is insidious and can take a significant toll on your own happiness and confidence.

Jealousy

In all relationships, including friendships, it’s perfectly normal to feel a little jealous at times. When a friend of mine landed her dream job, got married and got pregnant all in one year and I was still single and living in my parents’ house, I definitely ate a lot of compensatory ice-cream. But, when a friend is less a cheerleader of your successes and more of a detractor, it’s certainly something to be concerned about. A friend’s jealousy could be fuelled by competitiveness, fear of being left behind, insecurity or low self-esteem. If they are continually minimising or putting down your successes – or worse, actively trying to sabotage you or prevent you from getting ahead – it’s likely time for a frank conversation.

Emotional manipulation

Emotional manipulators work to control those around them by playing on their emotions. They will often intentionally bring you down when you’re happy and make passive-aggressive comments to keep you off-balance and unsure of where you stand in the friendship. They will manipulate situations to suit their own ends, or even play friends against each other in order to secure their desired outcome. This behaviour may not be intentional, but it’s important to identify if you feel it’s having an impact on your relationship.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a coercive control tactic used to gain power and is a form of emotional abuse that aims to make you question your own reality, memories or experiences. Within friendships, gaslighting can be destabilising and, if effective, makes it easier to manipulate or influence others.

Minimising past events, claiming not to remember scenarios that might paint them in a poor light, refusing to apologise or accept responsibility, and being dismissive of your thoughts or feelings (particularly hurt feelings) are all signs of gaslighting within a friendship.

Disrespecting boundaries

Setting firm boundaries can be difficult – particularly for Irish people, who can struggle with the unambiguous directness of a hard boundary! But if you’ve set clear boundaries in a friendship and they have been disrespected and pushed time and time and again, it might be time to pinpoint where the miscommunication is. It may be difficult to act in a way that could seem rude, but reinforcing a boundary is just asserting yourself and this is necessary for a healthy friendship. A friend who continually pushes hard boundaries is not respecting you or your needs.

How to deal with an energy vampire

If you do feel there is still merit to the relationship, it might be time for an honest conversation and the airing out of some home truths. It may be uncomfortable, but communicating that your needs aren’t being met is the first step to redressing the balance in your friendship. Their initial reaction may be defensive, but if they can see your perspective and want to make changes to improve the dynamic, then there’s something there worth salvaging.

“Open communication is key when it comes to setting boundaries,” says relationship and conflict resolution coach Davina Clements. “It’s important to manage expectations for the friendship and have respect for each other’s individual space and availability, recognising that it’s healthy to take time out, and acknowledging and accepting that each person has their own life, responsibilities and commitments outside of the friendship.”

On your end, this will take some personal reflection so that you understand what you want and can communicate that clearly. “Adjusting expectations and reassessing what you want from a friendship and what is expected of you means you can maintain a level of friendship that you feel comfortable with,” says Davina.

Not addressing these issues can put further stress on the relationship. “Resentment can come from expectations not aligning,” Davina explains, “so setting clear boundaries … means that the time planned and spent together can be enjoyed in full.”

Feeling confident saying no in a friendship is also key to protecting your energy and wellbeing, and Davina notes that there’s an Irish trait that comes in very useful here. “As Irish people, we will often qualify or soften a no with explanations or justifications … saying no to a request in a friendship but offering alternatives. ‘No, I don’t want to spend time together tonight, but I’d love to grab lunch next week,’ for example, is a great way to practise setting boundaries while still validating that your time spent together is important to you. This can change the dynamic in a friendship in a positive way.”

When to walk away

A good friendship can be foundational to our sense of wellbeing. Research indicates that strong platonic friendships could protect us from depression, reduce our risk of chronic disease and decrease overall stress levels. But when a friendship takes more than is given back in return, we owe it to ourselves to address that.

Every relationship has ebbs and flows where we may lean more on those around us, or offer ourselves to be leaned on. A friendship in which one person is always leaning and the other is flattened into the ground, however, is not a healthy one. Some say that people enter our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It’s important to allow ourselves the grace to recognise that if any friendship becomes more taxing on our resources than we’re comfortable with, it’s okay to take a break and re-evaluate what the relationship contributes to our lives and overall happiness.

“If you’re feeling consistently frustrated, drained or undervalued, there may be a power imbalance in play,” says Davina. “It might be time to take a step back and reassess what it is you’re getting out of the friendship.”

If you’re preparing to have a difficult conversation, check out our communication masterclass so you can arm yourself with tools and techniques for effective communication.