How miserable is too miserable? Knowing when it’s time to end a relationship

Life and time take their toll on every long-term relationship. You’ve both changed over the years, re-shaped by your experiences. Those heady, early days with minimum responsibilities and pressures become distant memories as you move through life’s milestones. New factors begin to muscle in on your relationship: money worries, kids, mental health issues, work stresses. You’ll have less quality time to spend with each other, and your conversations will inevitably centre around these external factors. Again, this is all normal.

Life and its milestones can take a toll on any relationship. But sometimes cracks begin to open up, and those cracks get wider and wider. Finding your way back to each other can be difficult and, in some cases, impossible.

There are different levels of relationship grievances. We’re all familiar with the harmless gripes: the way your partner loads the dishwasher (there is a right way!), how they steal the duvet, leave their stuff everywhere, eat with their mouth open, breathe.

And then there are the more complex issues: your partner doesn’t consider you in their plans, you argue all the time but don’t get anywhere, they’re not interested in you sexually, your goals and dreams don’t line up with each other anymore, you begin to dislike spending time with them. Some, or all, of these things can rear their head, particularly in long-term relationships.

‘I was embarrassed by how miserable I was’

Lizzie* and Mark* had been married for 16 years. In recent years Lizzie had begun to feel forgotten in the relationship, like she mattered less than her husband. “It happened over time, really. I noticed that we almost always talked about his life, his problems, his bad day at work.” Mark rarely asked how Lizzie was, and if he did, Lizzie felt it was just out of habit; he wasn’t interested in her answer.

More than that, it felt like Mark was one person when they were with other people, and another person when he was with her. “When we were out, he was the life and soul of the party, but at home Mark could be moody and critical. People always said to me: ‘You’re so lucky with Mark, he’s great.’ But I felt they weren’t seeing the real Mark.”

Lizzie never criticised Mark to her friends or family. “I think I was a little bit embarrassed about how miserable I was,” she said.

As their kids got older and more independent, Lizzie found that she had a bit more time to really think about her marriage. “I wanted to figure out why things had ended up like this. Was Mark as miserable as I was?” She tried to broach things with him a couple of times but he brushed her off. Finally, Lizzie forced the issue and told him they needed to talk. She told him how she was feeling and asked him if he was feeling the same way. “At the start, Mark was saying things like ‘every couple feels like this when they’ve been together as long as we have’, but eventually he admitted he wasn’t happy either.”

Lizzie was relieved. It felt like they had reached a point where they could make a change, one way or the other. And they did. They started talking about things more, reminiscing on the early days of their relationship and what they had in common. After a couple of months they started couples counselling.

During the counselling things became a lot clearer and Mark’s mental health issues came to light. He has since started therapy himself and the couple have made a fresh start of sorts. “It’s not how it used to be in the early days, but that’s fine. We’re connecting more and that’s making a difference,” said Lizzie.

There are two sides to a good argument

But not every couple does make a go of it, and not every couple should. Conflicts come and go, they’re a natural part of a relationship. In fact, therapists will tell you that conflicts can be healthy. They can get things out in the open, identify problems and tease out a resolution. But are the arguments happening all the time, and are they resolving anything?

How a couple deals with conflict can be a good indicator of the state of their relationship. A study by the University of Michigan identified a problematic conflict pattern, where one partner invests in the conflict and outlines their problem in a constructive way, while the other simply withdraws. Over time, walking away and not engaging sends a signal to the other partner: ‘I’m not interested in figuring this out.’

In many ways, the absence of conflict is a sign that the relationship has run its course; there simply isn’t enough passion or fight left in you. Realising that can be heartbreaking, or freeing.

Breaking up is hard to do

There is no easy way to end a long-term relationship. But there is a constructive way. You’ve had a lifetime together and that merits a face-to-face, honest conversation.

This conversation shouldn’t be a blame game. Tell your partner how you’re feeling but avoid making accusations. Chances are, if you’re miserable, your partner is also feeling unhappy. Find a way to be strong yet empathetic; this isn’t how either of you thought things would go.

During this conversation you may decide there is something to save. This is where couples counselling can help. It offers a neutral space and an unbiased listener. The counsellor will also assign ‘homework’ – exercises that can help to shine a light on the real issues.

Whatever you decide, take your time. Be clear about what you want. You only get one life, and in so far as it’s possible, it should be a happy and fulfilling one.

* Names have been changed