Help! All my friends are getting married!

On the fifth day of Christmas, my Instagram feed gave to me… five gold rings. Attached to five beaming brides-to-be.

December can feel like a month of engagement bingo. Mark off on the card which friends are now fiancées. If you’re in your late 20s or early 30s, it probably seems as if all your peers are getting married. Every day you’re bombarded with posts of mere children (OK, they’re 32) flashing their newly acquired sparkler and declaring their love for their ‘partner in crime’. You can’t move for save-the-dates and hen party WhatsApps.

This feeling of overwhelm has likely been exacerbated by the post-pandemic wedding boom we are currently experiencing. Many couples rescheduled their postponed nuptials over the past two or three years, and now the backlog of invites is steadily trickling in.

Though it feels like a particularly rampant bout of wedding fever, marriage has been consistently popular in Ireland for decades. The average age to get married has climbed and increasing numbers are shunning traditional ceremonies, but the wedding rates remain steady. In 2022, there were 23,173 marriages in Ireland, equating to 4.5 per 1,000 people. This rate was the same in 2012, which saw a figure of 20,713. 10 years before that, it was 20,556. Plus ça change.

Under pressure

In Catholic Ireland, weddings are deemed Big Life Events. They’re treated as a rite of passage, the third wearing of the white dress after your Christening and Holy Communion. It’s not a question of if you want to get married but when. Unique milestones that might mean more to you personally – like nabbing your dream job or hitting 10,000 followers – don’t hold the same gravitas to the older generation. No, Irish mammies only care about the true Holy Trinity: the rock, the dress and the weight of the firstborn.

When you hit 30, you start to feel like it’s something you should be doing, regardless of whether or not you have the means or desire. Your grandmother starts to wonder out loud if she’ll still be alive when you venture down the aisle. You get accosted by drunken family members claiming, “You’re next!” Is that a threat?!

We laugh it off and dismiss it as a generational divide – until our friends start to get married.

Growing pains

When weddings start to pervade our inner circle, that’s when things change. Suddenly, you’re the only single friend in a group of couples, trailing behind them while they hold hands and banish you to the pull-out couch in the shared Airbnb. These small yet sharp pangs remind you of your ‘otherness’ – the fact that you’re single and they’re not.

When it’s your best friend getting married, it’s even tougher. You’re no longer free and single together. They are now the second half of a whole and you’ve been left behind. You want to try that new restaurant with them but they’ve already booked it for date night. When they scroll Instagram and spot a cool new place to visit, they think of their partner first, not you. You are relegated to second place, only eligible for weekend hangouts when Himself is away on a stag.

Some of this is natural and comes with the territory of getting older. One study observed that friendship numbers start to dwindle once we hit 25, with another suggesting that over a period of seven years your friend group will be cut in half. This sounds scary but, quite frankly, some of them need to go. For the gems you want to hold onto, you need to put in the work.

Your friend might genuinely want to see you as much as before, but can’t because they live in a different city or their job is too hectic. We’re not all lounging around in a college apartment together, popping into each other’s rooms to borrow a top or have a quick debrief about the night before. Calendars must be consulted and catch-ups must be planned months in advance. But when you reach out to make those plans only to be greeted by a “We have something planned but don’t mind if you tag along!”, it feels like a slap in the face.

What to do about it

This one can be tricky. Unless you’ve got an understanding pal on your hands, it’s possible that expressing your aversion to being the third wheel might cause an irreparable rift. Here’s some advice on how to do it.

Dos and don’ts

Don’t initiate this conversation in response to a frustration, like if they’ve cancelled on you to be with their partner.

Don’t say things like “You always want to spend time with them” or “You’re so obsessed with them.” This will make them defensive and you sound bitter.

Do reaffirm how thrilled you are for them and how much you love their partner (at least, let’s hope you do – if not, that’s for another article).

Do suggest activities you could do as a group. If you only request one-on-one hangouts, it suggests you’re not willing to get to know their partner.

Don’t, however, feel bad (or let them make you feel bad) for suggesting time where it’s just you two. Explain that it’s a different vibe and you feel more comfortable discussing certain things with just them.

There’s a scene in the latest series of And Just Like That (please do not watch this godawful show and please do not judge me for watching this godawful show) where Seema assures Carrie that she will love the latter’s new boyfriend, but will not love how she feels about herself when all three of them are together. It’s an honest admission that manages to convey a sense of loss for the friendship dynamic but also establish a boundary as a single person trying to navigate a plus-one world.

Remember, the two feelings can coexist at the same time: you can be happy for your friend and a bit sad for yourself, too. Friendships have ebbs and flows. It can take some time to adjust to a new phase but, if this is a friend worth having, you will be glad you stuck it out. Just don’t wear white to the wedding.