Gaslighting: What you need to know

In today’s relationship lingo, the term gaslighting flows off the tongue. It’s become part of everyday language. So much so, it was Merriam Webster’s word of the year in 2022, when searches for ‘gaslighting’ on the dictionary’s website rocketed 1,740%. But what is gaslighting? And how do you know if someone is doing it to you?

Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation that makes a person question their sense of reality. Over time, it chips away at a person’s confidence. They begin to second guess everything and no longer trust their own version of events.

“People who are being gaslighted often only realise it after the fact. It’s a difficult thing to spot while it’s happening. There are a number of reasons for this. The person being gaslighted will often lack confidence, will struggle to make decisions, and simply won’t believe themselves. There’s often an element of denial too, where a person doesn’t want to believe that their partner was or is gaslighting them,” explains Shane Murphy, a psychotherapist based in east Cork.

Unintentional and intentional gaslighting: What’s the difference?

There are two different types of gaslighting: unintentional and intentional (targeted). Someone who intentionally gaslights someone is typically a narcissist, says Murphy. “If your partner is a narcissist who is gaslighting you, you won’t spot it. They are fully aware of what they are doing and they are using it to manipulate and control you.”

Unintentional or subconscious gaslighting is different in that the person may not realise they are doing it. They may have developed this type of behaviour over time, and they may downplay concerns to avoid feeling criticised. It can even be a by-product of an abusive or toxic childhood.

“With unintentional gaslighting, the gaslighter doesn’t see anything wrong with what they are doing at all,” says Murphy, who helps clients who have been gaslighted to rebuild their confidence.

Both types of gaslighting are equally as damaging, says Murphy. “It creates a huge imbalance in a relationship. The gaslighter has all the power. Over time, the person being gaslighted will mistrust themselves and others so much that they will increasingly rely on their partner to make decisions for them, seeing them as their source of truth.”

How to spot gaslighting

The most common characteristics of gaslighting are:

• Denying your version of events

• Telling so-called white lies

• ‘Forgetting’ something they said or did

• Telling you you’re imagining things

• Using dismissive language to make you feel like you’re over-reacting

• Withholding things like their mobile phone, which could be used to verify events

Understanding you’re being gaslighted can take time to wrap your head around. This is something that may only emerge in work with a therapist. And resolving this issue can be incredibly difficult.

“Make no mistake, intentional or not, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse,” Murphy explains. “It can be a real struggle to remove yourself from this type of situation. You will need help, whether that’s from a therapist or someone else in your life.”

While gaslighting tends to be most prominent in heterosexual relationships, with the male partner being the gaslighter, there are plenty of other relationships and instances where gaslighting can happen. Aside from a romantic partner, other people in your life can gaslight you: your parents, siblings, boss, friends, even public figures. “It’s one of the more difficult issues in any relationship to identify, and can overlap with other forms of abuse including verbal, emotional, financial and even physical,” says Murphy.

If you suspect your partner is gaslighting you, it’s a good idea to start committing things to paper. Writing down your version of events at the time they happened will give you a reference point and, if nothing else, help you to confirm your memory of a situation.

Working with a therapist is a good first step. Be sure to use the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (ICAP) to find an accredited therapist. There are also support groups on social media, including Facebook Groups, where you can connect with people who are or have been in a similar situation.