Finding your tribe: How to make new friends as an adult

Feeling lonely? You’re not alone.

We’re currently experiencing a ‘loneliness epidemic’, with a recently published survey by the European Commission’s Joint Research Centre noting that Ireland had the highest levels of loneliness in Europe.

Though loneliness is often portrayed as an issue for older adults, CSO research shows that young people (18–34) are most likely to experience loneliness all or most of the time. Research at dara & co confirms this – we recently commissioned a survey that found 54% of people feel lonely, and this number increases to 77% among women aged 18 to 24.

Why are we so lonely?

Loneliness is not a new phenomenon but there are myriad reasons why it has been spotlighted in recent years.

COVID-19 changed our mindset on social contact, turning a friendly hug into something sinister. In 2021, the Institute of Public Health noted that loneliness was a “key public health issue” and that we needed to address the impact isolation has had on society. Two years on, some of us are still adjusting to restored freedom, second-guessing handshakes and avoiding social interaction as we’ve become more comfortable in our cocoons.

While social isolation robbed those in their late teens and early twenties of such formative experiences as Leaving Cert celebrations and first-year fraternising, the cost of living crisis has exacerbated matters. Many young people are forced to live at home with their parents, missing out on those precious few years ‘playing house’ with their roommates and making the kinds of memories that deepen a friendship. In my personal experience with my close friends, these connections to our younger, silly selves have solidified our bonds as we move into the new era of weddings and babies.

Another huge factor is emigration, with young adults continuing to leave the island in droves. Those friendships we forged as teenagers now have an ocean between them and a difference in time zone to contend with, intensifying feelings of loneliness for both the leavers and the ones left behind.

How to find your tribe

The older we get, the harder it is to make friends. As kids, we’re less likely to be encumbered by social anxiety and can spark an instant kinship based on a shared love of glitter pens. As we age, we become more reserved and balk at the idea of asking a stranger to be our friend.

But it’s not impossible.

Though some have bemoaned that increased online interaction has made us less social, the truth is quite the opposite. Many people – the gaming community being a notable example – find solace in the friendships they form online. In the aforementioned dara & co survey, almost 7 in 10 people said technology helped them feel better connected to people.

On that note, here are some tips on finding your tribe online.

1. Use social media apps

Social media apps for social interaction? Groundbreaking. Seriously though, many of us get lost in scrolling and forget that these apps can be a great starting point for face-to-face meetups. If you’ve just moved to a new city, for example, Facebook groups can help you connect with fellow newcomers. Bumble recently expanded on its BFF feature to launch a separate app, Bumble for Friends, so you don’t have to wade into the murky world of online dating to meet someone with similar interests. Meetup is also a great resource for practically any activity, from sports and fitness classes to crafts such as painting and knitting. Finally, if you already have an activity in mind, find the subreddit for your area (eg r/Dublin) and create a post. Example: ‘I’m heading to the CMAT concert in the Olympia this Saturday. Would anyone like to come?’

2. Follow your local businesses

Find your local cinema, coffee shop, or pub on Instagram to see if they have any upcoming events. Many businesses host mid-week activities such as board game nights and table quizzes. Though it might seem daunting to go to one of these alone, the activity itself will be a good icebreaker so you don’t have to immediately brainstorm small-talk topics.

3. Volunteer

Volunteering is an ideal way to meet like-minded people. Think about what issues mean the most to you and go from there. If you’re into climate crisis activism, you might opt for an ECO-UNESCO volunteership. Alternatively, if you want to connect with fellow animal lovers, you could pitch in at your nearby ISPCA centre. Not sure what will float your boat? I-VOL is a handy resource that lets you search for all available volunteer roles in your area.

Feeling lonely is nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone you know has felt lonely at some point. The hardest part is taking that first step to reach out, but you owe it to your future self (and your future friends!) to take the leap.

Best of luck!