Fight the good fight: How your conflict style can help (or harm) a relationship

Whether you feel energised by conflict or prefer to totally avoid it, none of us gets through life without having to navigate clashes with others in our personal and professional lives.

What’s more, we all deal with conflict differently and how we approach it stems from a range of factors, such as how we witnessed family members dealing with conflict growing up, or our experiences in school or previous workplaces. Yet rarely, if ever, are we really taught the fundamentals of how to manage feelings of stress and head off unnecessary or destructive conflict before it arises.

How do you identify your conflict style?

It’s widely accepted that there are five primary conflict styles based on the Thomas-Kilmann model, which was developed in the 1970s by psychologists Dr Kenneth Thomas and Dr Ralph Kilmann.

Competing involves a high focus on personal goals, often at the expense of relationships, resulting in an ‘I win, you lose’ outcome. This can be where one person seeks to dominate or compel another to control a situation to their liking. While this may cause some short-term satisfaction, in the long term it can lead to poor relationship outcomes with loved ones and in the workplace.

Accommodating is the inverse of the competing conflict style. Accommodating types will tend to give in to the other person, often due to a belief that by sacrificing their own goals or beliefs, they will protect the relationship. However, the most common result in this instance is an ‘I lose, you win’ outcome, which can also be unsustainable in the long term.

Avoiding is when someone prioritises avoiding the discomfort of confrontation and is willing to sacrifice a particular outcome from a conflict, or even the relationship itself, to do so. Instead of dampening or heading off confrontation, this can cause the opposite effect and potentially cause conflicts to escalate, creating a ‘lose-lose’ outcome.

A compromising conflict style aims for a middle ground, with moderate consideration for both goals and relationships, resulting in a ‘win some, lose some’ outcome. While compromise may be time-efficient and can preserve relationships, the potential for less ideal outcomes arises when resorting to power dynamics and game-playing to find a middle ground.

Collaborating is that ideal we should all work towards in conflict. Collaborating seeks a ‘win-win’ resolution, which accounts for both personal goals and protecting the relationship. This approach to conflict is rooted in partnership, so that instead of treating the other person as an adversary, you imagine yourself working shoulder-to-shoulder together with them to resolve the issue that is causing the conflict. This requires both people to remain respectful, use open, honest communication skills, and be considerate of one another’s boundaries.

It all starts with communication

Conflict resolution specialist Davina Clements says, “Understanding conflict styles starts with understanding communication.” If you first understand what type of communication you and the other person prefer, you can begin to understand how to better communicate with one another.

For example, do you prefer to see something demonstrated (visual) or to communicate through conversation (auditory)? Or are you a kinaesthetic communicator who pays close attention to touch and body language? Once you identify how you are communicating, or where communication is failing, it becomes easier to use this knowledge to help you shift conversations in a more constructive direction.

Learning to manage conflict is an important part of healthy adult relationships. None of us is perfect, but taking a moment to reflect on how you experience and contribute to miscommunication and conflict in your own life can empower you to make the changes necessary to prevent and resolve conflict in your professional and personal relationships.

When to seek specialist support

Davina says that one of the clear signs that it may be time to seek professional support or intermediation is “when people start to find that they’re in a pattern of conflict, where it keeps coming back, and they feel that there’s no resolution and the relationship starts to break down due to lack of trust.”

Essentially, when you’ve found yourself in a situation where you feel that communication is continually breaking down, it’s time to consider outside support.

Davina observes that “in conflict, people interrupt, shout and don’t listen. Intermediation helps people to have a safe environment where they are actively listened to, so that both parties feel heard. Then you can start to think about what needs to be done, what agreements need to be reached, and how the communication should be structured going forward.”

So, if you find yourself in a conflict situation, rest assured you’re not alone. Whatever stage you’re at, there are plenty of resources available to support and help you navigate through conflict in a constructive way.

Want to learn more?

Check out our podcast on conflict resolution, featuring conflict resolution specialist Davina Clements, for a deeper look at how we experience and understand where conflict comes from and what we can do about it. Our stress control and mindfulness workshops can also be of value to those looking for tools and further support in managing stress in a discreet and safe environment. Find out more and sign up here.